The Real Reason The Rum Is Always Gone
by kristy267
Summary: [oneshot] Rumple, Hook and Jefferson try to calm wailing babies Grace and Bae. Could it be a woman's touch is all the young ones need? (OOC, but that should be expected from such a story as this)


AN: For the record, I am well aware that these three would not be hanging out together, much less caring for their children together. I also know Hook and Rumple are enemies. And that Bae and Grace wouldn't be (and weren't) babies at the same time.

_**Disclaimer**__: I do not own Once Upon a Time or any of it's characters._

"How do we make the wailing stop?" Hook asked in a loud voice, aiming to be heard over the two babies. Grace and Bae were laying side by side in the cradle. Their cries were matching in volume and consistency.

Jefferson leaned and gathered Grace in his arms. He tried walking with her, bouncing her, rocking her and even singing to her, but nothing worked. The little girl just wasn't happy no matter what her father tried. Over at the cradle, Rumple was dangling gold in front of his son. What would have made most people very happy, didn't bring any joy to baby Bae.

Killian decided to take his chances with Grace. He turned to the Hatter and gestured for Jefferson to hand him the baby. Jefferson hesitated, eyes locked on the hook. Killian rolled his eyes. "What? Just because it would probably shut her up doesn't mean I'm going to use it." Jefferson's eyes widen. He twisted Grace away from the pirate and took a few steps away.

When Killian turned and walked towards the cradle where Bae lay, Rumpelstiltskin looked up and gave him a dangerous look. The Captain threw up his hands. "Oh for the - " He went on muttering words only a pirate could understand as he twisted the hook off. Killian tossed it on to the nearest table with a clatter. Glancing at both of them he declared, "There! Your wailing terrors are safe from the bloody and heartless pirate."

It took a few minutes more, but the father's allowed the Captain near their children now that he wasn't wearing a weapon as a hand. Jefferson handed Grace to Hook. There was a moment where peace was nearly reached. Grace stopped crying as Hook held her.

He smirked, feeling accomplished. "It's the pirate thing. Girls love it." Killian winked at the tiny girl, flashing her a charming smile. If she were older, he suspected Grace would have giggled or swooned right about not. Not a second later, Grace begin to cry even louder than before. It was as if she'd been calmed for half a second by having someone new hold her, and then that calm wore off.

Jefferson chuckled, taking his daughter back. "You were saying?"

Captain Hook gave him a sarcastic look. "She's too young to see my charm."

"Oh, yes," Chimed the Dark One. "that's it of course."

xxx

It took a while, but soon after the babies were given bottles, they quieted. In fact, they were a little _too_ quite. They weren't fussy or sleepy. Jefferson and Rumple stared at their children curiously. Had they done something differently? Was it just a miracle, plain as that?

From across the room, Hook was muttering something about the rum being gone. "Wasted on the brats..."

Jefferson and Rumpelstiltskin spun around. Killian didn't notice their eyes on him at first, as he had the bottle up turned and trying to shake as many drops as he could into his mouth. When this failed was when he took notice of the glaring fathers.

"What? I didn't see either of you two getting them to sleep."

"Rum isn't the answer to everything, Hook!" Jefferson exclaimed.

Hook shrugged, tossed the empty bottle away. "Hey, whatever works mate."

xxx

Once the rum wore off and the hangover set in, the men found themselves back at square one. Hook wasn't allowed near the children anymore due to the earlier incident. It could have been worse though. Rumple could have turned him into a snail for getting the babies drunk. But, in all honesty, the rum seemed to have been the best thing to happen to them. It'd given all three men a slice of peace - even though it was short lived.

So wrapped up in Grace and Bae, neither Jefferson or Hook nor Rumpelstiltskin took notice of Regina when she graced them with her presence. "What is this - the single father's club?" Her eyes settled on Hook. "I bet you're here for nanny training, am I right?"

"I wouldn't be a nanny to these two for all the gold in this room," He replied.

Rumple looked over to the pirate. "Speaking of gold, put all of it back."

Killian looked as if he might play as if he didn't know what the other man was talking about, but caved after a few seconds. Better to put the gold back now rather than try to make off with it later and lose his other hand.

Pulling the mess of gold from his pocket, Hook addressed Regina again. "Did you come for something?"

She gestured towards the babies back in their cradle. "The entire land can hear these two."

"Does the lady think she can do a better job?"

Jefferson laughed once. "She's a woman, pirate." Regina gave him a dangerous look, but her face softened when he continued, "Of course she can do a better job."

On this note, Regina marched over to the tearful babies. Regina bent and picked Bae up first. Once she had him balanced perfectly against her, his little head on her shoulder, the cries died. Bae's eye's closed slowly as the child felt the pull of exhaustion from crying so much. Regina shot a smug look at the Captain.

"What about Grace?" Jefferson nodded towards his still upset daughter.

Regina rolled her eyes. She walked over to Rumple's spinning wheel, picked up a small ball of strides Hook had just taken from his pocket, and brought it back with her. Grace's tiny hands gripped the gold tightly. Her little eyes sparkled with delight and her wails cut off almost instantly.

The men stared on in wonder.

"It's quite simple, gentlemen. Little boys like affection and little girls like expensive things." Regina passed Bae to his father. She was walking towards the door when she looked over her shoulder with an amused expression. "Good luck during teething season."

All three men groaned in union. Fatherhood was going to be a long and sleepless season. But looking at the peaceful and delighted faces of their children, Jefferson and Rumpelstiltskin realized they wouldn't have it any other way.

Jefferson turned to Killian and inquired, "Got any of that rum left? We're gonna need it."

"Didn't take you for a rum man, Hatter."

"It's not for him," Rumple said. "It's for the babies."

Jefferson nodded his agreement. "It's the only way we're making it through teething season."


End file.
